Everything has changed

After a month and a half of asking what is going on with my passport and Visa application and receiving evasive, patronising, and conflicting answers, I finally got sick of it. I sent and abrupt email to the Sudanese facilitator and the Sudanese coordinator demanding some clarification. I quoted the false information I had received. If they can't get the little things right what else are they getting wrong? I have been literally losing sleep over the lack of efficiency with the programme management. It's a stark contrast to the application process.

I got a message to go onto the office to speak to the facilitator. Great! Finally someone will actually talk to me about what's happening.

I got fired.

The coordinator sat me down and informed me that I was no longer wanted in the volunteer programme. He said that they will stop my 6 month Visa application and get me an exit Visa instead.

I was shocked, this was on Thursday, I'm still shocked.

So I was fired for asking to many questions? Apparently I had insulted the facilitator. He did not take kindly to my email (I had in fact in the email said something he told me was "utter rubbish" because it was utter rubbish).

The facilitator came into the office and started yelling at me. I was already upset and in tears. But I still shouted back.

I had behaved badly (authoritarian state, don't ever ask questions)

I had accused them of lying (yes: they had given false information, why)

I had insulted them by suggesting they didn't know what they were doing (if they knew what they were doing then why couldn't they tell me what they were doing with MY LIFE)

They work really hard for us for no money (I work really hard for them for no money)

The Sudanese ministries take a long time (so because they are inefficient and disorganised everyone is allowed to be)

I have negatively influenced 2 other volunteers (women can't think for themselves)

I am impatient and have no tolerance (month and a half to give a logical answer)

He said 'I got you here!" I said "No. I got me here!"

I found it difficult to maintain clear logical arguments when my eyes ere red with tears, my nose running and my voice warbling and squeaking.

Totally horrible experience The facilitator needed to exert dominance so despite shouting back I remained seated while he stood over me yelling. When he was done, he told the coordinator to copy the document he had told me I could collect the week before, and the the coordinator for the first time told me exactly when I could expect to get my passport back (not for another week at least, this means I may not have it in time to apply for travel permits before the holidays, but there s still a chance).

So I was apparently re-hired about 20 minutes after being fired, no apology. I don't feel re-hired. I feel like the facilitator is giving me the wonderful privilege of working for him (for free) despite being a very naughty girl. I didn't to come here to work FOR anyone, I came here to work WITH people I thought I could be useful too.

Firing someone is a last resort, not something to be done so lightly or flippantly especially when it is more than losing a job: it is losing a home, a life, and a place in a country.

It probable comes down to culture: a (shamefully) single, (ignorantly) young, (vile) heathen (inferior) female questions a (decently) married, (wisely) old, (good) Muslim (superior) male. And when the answers just didn't make sense she (outrageously) got annoyed and (shockingly) vocalised it.

I have been teaching my students to have faith in their opinions, to seek understanding if they don't know. I tell them that they have the choice not to be ignorant and the right to be heard. I want them to have the confidence to challenge status quo and to come to their own conclusions rather accepting blindly what they have been told.

I like Sudan, I like the University, I really like my students, I adore the openness of the people and I love the community of volunteers who help each other out. I work hard and I have sacrificed at lot of time, money and energy to be here and make it work.

But I no longer have any trust in the programme. It turns out that I am disposable. I can not base my life on the temperament of a tender ego. The programme was supposed to be the support, the safety net, the people who help. Not a source of insecurity. It is like the bottom has been pulled out.

Before being fired I was so committed, reliable, loyal. I have tenacity and resolve (but not blind faith). I heard of other volunteers who had left the programme for paid NGO jobs before their volunteer contract had finished. I thought that was horrible, now that I know I can be fired so easily my dedication is only to myself.