People

I was just about to tell you about my New Years and realised that I have not told you about some other the people who I share my life with here. So here you go:

The Old Girls of East Khartoum;

Anna: my flatmate, I was quietly fearing what life would be like when I was told I was going to share a one bedroom flat with a 59 year old vicars wife and mother of 4. But Anna is a fantastic flatmate. She has helped me so much, from showing me the buses to finding cheese. Anna works at the same University as me.

Rosa: An Australian volunteer. She has the most positive outlook and keeps us all laughing. She stays a few blocks walk from Anna and I. It was Rosa who organised the pyramids trip.

Maryanne and Reeni: Canadian and Brit. Two teachers who work at the British council (Maryanne is currently teaching SPLM soldiers), they live about 500m from Anna and myself. Both very funny, easygoing and incredibly helpful.

The West side Boys:

Matt and Liam: both volunteers who live in Omdurman slightly North West of Khartoum. Matt (despite British accent, education and manner) is American and seems to have magnetic charm for pretty Sudanese girls. Liam is a brilliantly witty Brit who constantly beats me at chess. Both lads have adapted to the Sudanese way of life well, learning the language with admirable dedication, smoking shisha and eating fool daily.

Christopher: the most integrated of us all. when I met Christopher two months ago her seemed like a lovely English gentleman. Now he has moved 4 hours north of Khartoum and become a lovely Arab gentleman.
Others:

Mohammad: coordinator for the programme

Joanna: Volunteer who lives with Liam and Matt, just arrived but this is her second time here.

Nick: lives in the centre of town, an Aussie with a knack for knowing everyone and being everywhere important.

Hiba: My favorite student, perfect English and lovely family.

Tim: German Anthropology student doing research and hanging out with the lads here.

There are of course many more, but it takes time to meet and get to know people.

Anna's husband emails her a new joke every single day from England so she always has a joke to share. The best one so far this week: A Spaniard and a Sudanese were talking about their language, the Spaniard asked the Sudanese if they had any word in Sudanese Arabic that was like the Spanish "mañana". The Sudanese thought about it for a while then said "Yeah we do, but it doesn't have that same sense of urgency."

Holiday Season

I have just changed email addresses. (it's the same as before but I have moved from lycos to myway.com) I had the lycos address for 10 years which is longer than I have ever had a snail mail address. 10 years of collecting email addresses really added up. Far to many names I could not recognise and nicknames that offered no explanation like 'don-det farie' and 'pretty-eyes'. But I have finally moved now and so far have no spam.

Talking about emails thank you all for your lovely emails. Obviously I have been having a stressful time at the moment dealing with the kinds of challenges I knew I would end up facing but not quite knowing how to deal with it when it comes. Your comments have really, really made a difference.

Yesterday was the 25th of December. (I think I cover all bases when I say Blessed Yule, Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, Happy Hogmanay, Seasons Greetings, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and a Wonderful Eid to you) It is an national holiday here since a peace agreement was signed between the mostly Christian South and the mostly Muslim North. Khartoum is in the north so It's just a day off. A group of us volunteers went on a day trip to seen Sudan's pyramids. So good to get out. We don't need travel permits to travel directly north so I intend to go back in that same direction in the next few days.

I have a wedding to attend here on Wednesday and Thursday (I think it is the brother in law of the aunt of one of my students... can't wait). After the 31st everything shuts down till the 7th of January for Eid; a festival that celebrated the day Allah asked Abraham to kill his son and just as he was about to, then Allah said thanks for your devotion but you really don't need to do that just kill me a sheep instead (I'm paraphrasing). Each family slaughters their own sheep and eats it, there are flocks of sheep dotted throughout the city waiting to be sold.

I have decided to take photos and upload them despite having no permit. So I'll get more up later, but for now here are two of the pyramids. You will notice that I live in a rather sandy part of the world. Khartoum is on the southern edge of the Sahara Desert. It is dry and dusty here. the sand and dirt and grit and dust and filth come in a surprising variety of forms but it's always present, everywhere.

Today I was defrosting my freezer with one half of a broken pair of scissors and managed to puncher a hole in a pipe that released gas. I have jammed a plastic bag into the ice to stop the gas leak. Fortunately I did a class on climate change recently and learnt that African fridges will still use CFCs till 2010 (fortunate that I did the class not fortunate that Africa still used CFCs) and the gas is stable, not flammable, and breathable (crap for the ozone, but at least Anna and I don't have to evacuate). So the fridge is broken, and as the ice melts the plastic bag will slide away. The landlady (our next door neighbour) has arranged for an electrician to come tomorrow to sort it out.

Sortin' it out and makin' it work.

I didn't get this far to give up. Fired or not I believe that what I'm doing here is important. Sure I am teaching the grown children of the Sudanese elite, the ones who will possibly become part of future problems... but they can also be part of Sudan's solution.

There is a problem with volunteer work (and this includes doing free burlesque gigs, and even applies to relationships) : if you offer something for free or for too cheap it isn't appreciated, it loses value and without value it becomes disposable. But the students themselves know the importance English will play in their future and the rarity of finding a native speaker who will give them time. Many of the faculty of arts students don't bother to show up for classes, but many, many more from other departments beg me to just help them practice speaking and listening. So I invite them along to my smaller classes.

Sorting out understanding:
I will always be a foreigner here. I don't think I'll ever get it. There are some things that I don't have to understand, but I do need to accept. It appears to be difficult for a Sudanese to say "I don't know" I have noticed this in my classes a lot. And it also seems to be difficult to give someone bad news, better just to give an answer to a different question. I have never intended to cause offence, but of course I will when I have no idea what is offencive. Like, for example, it is offencive to offer you seat on a full bus to an old man with a walking stick... because maybe this tells him that he is so feeble that even a weak female thinks he can't even stand by himself. The line between disrespectful and respectful had changed and I don't know where it is anymore.

Sorting out feeling safe here:
I can't rely on the program to help me if I need it. But I can rely on others. Anna has taken me to the British Embassy and I have been able to register with them by emailing a scan of my passport (thank goodness for forethought). We have made contact with out local area warden. So if the president decided to kick out all foreigners, if I get sick, if a student demonstration goes bad or if the US decides to bomb another factory, I know of places to go and people who can help. I have also been offered support from one of my student's families, and newspaper staff. Normally I'm content to flutter about a country without insurance. But Sudan is different, things can happen.

Sorting out feeling happy here:
In a couple of weeks the Visa process should be though. Governmental things change all the time. Now the coordinator (I think unwilling to have to be the messenger who has to fire me again) tells me the bad news (instead of making it all seem like things are happening when they are not). Unfortunately we probably won't have the passports back before Christmas when we all have a day off and were hoping to travel north to see the Sudanese pyramids, I think we might be able to do it with just photocopies of the front pages, but knowing this we can work around it. Also I may not have the Visa before the Eid holidays after new years, I think it is my only long holiday while working here and I was planning to visit the Red Sea, but knowing that it might not be possible means I can think of alternative ideas. The coordinator has promised to personally hand me my passport when this is complete. When I get that back I'll feel secure and I won't have any reason to have to deal with the programme management anymore. I will be able to sleep sound and I can just get on with my work.

Sorting out Sudanese cultural understanding:
Today's lesson warmer is going to be on answering questions. first I'll teach them "I don't know" and ask the each a question they don't know like "what is my middle name?". It's absolutely fine to not know, nobody knows everything. Then I'll teach Verb-Noun questions (do you, is it etc) require yes/no answers. Then I'll build up to 'WH' questions in which 'where' needs a place and 'when' needs a time. So while I adjust to the rest of the country at least the 12 young people that I have in my class today will gain a slight understanding to how to communicate with us up-tight foreigners effectively.

Everything has changed

After a month and a half of asking what is going on with my passport and Visa application and receiving evasive, patronising, and conflicting answers, I finally got sick of it. I sent and abrupt email to the Sudanese facilitator and the Sudanese coordinator demanding some clarification. I quoted the false information I had received. If they can't get the little things right what else are they getting wrong? I have been literally losing sleep over the lack of efficiency with the programme management. It's a stark contrast to the application process.

I got a message to go onto the office to speak to the facilitator. Great! Finally someone will actually talk to me about what's happening.

I got fired.

The coordinator sat me down and informed me that I was no longer wanted in the volunteer programme. He said that they will stop my 6 month Visa application and get me an exit Visa instead.

I was shocked, this was on Thursday, I'm still shocked.

So I was fired for asking to many questions? Apparently I had insulted the facilitator. He did not take kindly to my email (I had in fact in the email said something he told me was "utter rubbish" because it was utter rubbish).

The facilitator came into the office and started yelling at me. I was already upset and in tears. But I still shouted back.

I had behaved badly (authoritarian state, don't ever ask questions)

I had accused them of lying (yes: they had given false information, why)

I had insulted them by suggesting they didn't know what they were doing (if they knew what they were doing then why couldn't they tell me what they were doing with MY LIFE)

They work really hard for us for no money (I work really hard for them for no money)

The Sudanese ministries take a long time (so because they are inefficient and disorganised everyone is allowed to be)

I have negatively influenced 2 other volunteers (women can't think for themselves)

I am impatient and have no tolerance (month and a half to give a logical answer)

He said 'I got you here!" I said "No. I got me here!"

I found it difficult to maintain clear logical arguments when my eyes ere red with tears, my nose running and my voice warbling and squeaking.

Totally horrible experience The facilitator needed to exert dominance so despite shouting back I remained seated while he stood over me yelling. When he was done, he told the coordinator to copy the document he had told me I could collect the week before, and the the coordinator for the first time told me exactly when I could expect to get my passport back (not for another week at least, this means I may not have it in time to apply for travel permits before the holidays, but there s still a chance).

So I was apparently re-hired about 20 minutes after being fired, no apology. I don't feel re-hired. I feel like the facilitator is giving me the wonderful privilege of working for him (for free) despite being a very naughty girl. I didn't to come here to work FOR anyone, I came here to work WITH people I thought I could be useful too.

Firing someone is a last resort, not something to be done so lightly or flippantly especially when it is more than losing a job: it is losing a home, a life, and a place in a country.

It probable comes down to culture: a (shamefully) single, (ignorantly) young, (vile) heathen (inferior) female questions a (decently) married, (wisely) old, (good) Muslim (superior) male. And when the answers just didn't make sense she (outrageously) got annoyed and (shockingly) vocalised it.

I have been teaching my students to have faith in their opinions, to seek understanding if they don't know. I tell them that they have the choice not to be ignorant and the right to be heard. I want them to have the confidence to challenge status quo and to come to their own conclusions rather accepting blindly what they have been told.

I like Sudan, I like the University, I really like my students, I adore the openness of the people and I love the community of volunteers who help each other out. I work hard and I have sacrificed at lot of time, money and energy to be here and make it work.

But I no longer have any trust in the programme. It turns out that I am disposable. I can not base my life on the temperament of a tender ego. The programme was supposed to be the support, the safety net, the people who help. Not a source of insecurity. It is like the bottom has been pulled out.

Before being fired I was so committed, reliable, loyal. I have tenacity and resolve (but not blind faith). I heard of other volunteers who had left the programme for paid NGO jobs before their volunteer contract had finished. I thought that was horrible, now that I know I can be fired so easily my dedication is only to myself.

My poor passport

My latest problem here is that I still don't have a Visa or my passport. The volunteer coordinator here insists I am legal as they have a copy of my Visa application form, but that is not a Visa - it is a Visa application from. I had a Visa, it expired on November 15th.

I keep asking them what is going on, and I get different information each time, also all the other volunteers have different information. I appear to be the person most attached to their passport and the one most stressed out about not having a Visa. Also, some of the information I know to be untrue, like today they said I had been registered with an authority since I arrived... except my passport didn't go near the registration until I was here for over a week.

And now, to totally stress me out... I have been told that I will not get my passport back until I leave. I have told them that I do not consent to this. my passport is property of the NZ government and my responsibility. I refuse to have it kept from me. I think they deem it safer: it is my passport and where my passport is to be kept is between me and the NZ government, no one else. How dare they confiscate it, how dare they think they have the right ot keep it for whatever reason.

I'm cheesed off... mmm cheese, cheese here is processed, comes in tins, or is strong white feta.

I can't get my passport until I have that Visa. I feel trapped by the red-tape. Once I have my passport showing legitimate status I'll be able to get a photo permit and apply to travel to the pyramids and to the Red Sea during the holidays (January).

In other news everything else if fine. My new flatmate Anna is great to live with, and dinner party invites are starting to roll in from Sudanese and Expats alike.